Saturday, April 11, 2009

Life Changes...

It truly is amazing how quickly life changes. Just when I was feeling euphoric, thrilled & glowing from 2nd tri-mester pregnancy...cramps came on. Being a newbie with pregnancy, I had no clue they were contractions, I thought they were my uterus growing, normal & natural. I called Michelle, our midwife to report the cramping and little bit of spotting I was having. "No worries, no sex, drink lots, and stay in touch" she responded.

3 days later the cramps continued with more intensity. David & I went to Michelles office for an exam and to listen for a heart beat. Turned out my uterus was not growing at all and there was no heart beat either. I went to an OB for an ultrasound to confirm, and despite being 18 weeks pregnant, our lil babes was measuring at 14 weeks, with no heartbeat.

My life changed. I went from being full of baby thoughts, dreams and talks, to no longer having one...

The Dr. gave me the choice of either laboring & delivering on my own at home, naturally, or meeting the him at the hospital where I would be given an internal pill to bring on contractions and delivery. Well I was already feeling contractions (cramps!) and they were pretty strong and frequent...I opted for our original intention: a natural home-birth.

It was early labor, David & I ate a yummy home-made lunch, made by my dear friend Lorri. She wound up staying on for the birth and acted as my doula, even though she had retired from this position years ago. Bless you Lorri!

The 3 of us then laid in bed, Lorri massaging my back, David guiding my breath, I moaned through contractions. By the time they were 3 minutes apart and 1 minute in length, Michelle arrived.

I soaked in the bath and the contractions lessened. Knowing the baby was not alive, I wanted it out fast, so I got back in bed for stronger and more contractions.

Evelyn who I have been seeing for acupuncture came over to put some needles in. David turned on some music and within 3 minutes of the needles being in me, and just 3 hours of labor, I pushed and out came our pre-mature baby: 4:32pm at home, naturally, just like we wanted.

But no placenta...I had more work to do. The contractions had lessened, my cervix was closing and I was losing lots of blood. I went in to shock and fainted for a short time. I recovered with oxygen, coconut water, maple syrup, rescue remedy and lots of love.

Michelle later administered Pitocin to bring on more contractions to birth the placenta. No go.
At 7:30pm we knew the smart thing was to call for an ambulance and head to the ER. We called the Dr. I saw earlier in the day and thankfully he met us there. He attempted to get it out with tools, but it required surgery. Just 10 minutes worth, I went under general anesthesia, and by 11pm, David & I were home with our lil babes (preserving in the fridge.)

I have come to accept that there is no reason for a miscarriage, it just is. During this process, I have gone through all of the "what ifs" and now release them. I know it is nothing that I did wrong and believe that it was just not this baby's time to come to us. I accept and surrender.
I can hardly wait till I am a mommy again!!

Beautiful mama, I love you! The last line is perfect.
I am so sorry Jodi. This post brought me to tears. You know I know how you feel. Not a second goes by that I don't think about Silas. I too have to believe it wasn't his time to come to be with us. luckily we both have developed loads of tools to help us to heal healthily. its a journey we never expected but one that has changed us from within forever.
sending you and david lots of love-
I see the beauty in you.
I see the power in you.
I see the wisdom in you.
I see the strength in you.

And So it is!

- what a vivid entry despite that you went through this tough transistion. Have you noticed how much you remember about the experience.

Sending our love to you both.

Mark and Gena
Jodi, I am so sorry. (I hadn't read your updates for a couple of weeks and had no idea you had lost your baby!) I know he will come back to you (that same soul, I like to think, even if he's a she next time around) when he's ready for life on this planet with us. Lots of love being sent your way...xoxo
hi jodi,
i did a teacher training with you many years ago in nyc..through a sequence of events i ended up here on your blog..i just wanted to say that your posts are very moving and inspiring. i went through a miscarriage and agree that having as much love and support as possible from people we love is crucial. thank you for sharing and sending you lots of love and light..
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