Jodi's Journal

I just returned from a week in Sedona with David & my parents, what a special time we had. Healing was inevitable.

David took me to Sedona to celebrate my 35th birthday, and since we are to wed there next month (5/25) my parents met us there to join the B-day celebration and also for wedding planning. The 4 of us had lots of fun, enjoying Sedona restaurants, hikes, meditations, sunsets, spa treatments, peace and quiet in the mountains and lots of laughs.

I feel so blessed to have been able to heal in the Red Rocks with the peole who love me the most.

Yesterday would have been the 120th I was pregnant. David & I believed in this Yogic tradition... that on the 120th day the baby's soul enters the body. Weeks ago we were excited and inspired to celebrate this upcoming day and chose to surround ourselves and the baby with positive and high vibrational friends. We planned for a potluck and invited guests to bring an instrument for singing and playing.

When we miscarried last week, we were unsure what to do, for it too is my birthday, we thought why not celebrate my life. We muscle tested ourselves several times and kept getting that having the gathering was our highest choice. I am so glad we did as it was such a beautiful day and so healing on many levels.

The day was filled with loving friends, innocent little souls, yummy food, communal music and supportive reconnections. David & I continue to be overwhelmed by the love and support we are recieving from near and far away family and friends. Thank you thank you.

This morning we buried Truman in a very special place with friends - all that he chose. We had been talking to him this past week, asking him 'yes' & 'no' questions and listening to his answers. He told us exactly what he wanted, where he wanted his body to rest, and who to attend his ceremony.

"Truman, do you want to buried in the yard at our house?"
"No."
"Do you want to be buried at the beach?"
"No"
"Near the Soul of Yoga studio?"
"No."
"In LA where you were conceieved?"
"No."
"North of here?"
"No."
"South of here?"
"No."
"West?"
"No."
"East?"
"Yes."

Hmmm, where east of our house would our lil guy want to be laid to rest? David talked to him more and got his answer.

There is a beautiful park, directly east from where we live called Black Mountain Open Space Park. It is very near to where David plays floor hockey on Sundays. Last week I went to watch David's game and we believe he passed on that Sunday, because the next day my belly popped (physically looking) and the contractions started. This is where Truman wanted to be.

It's no coincidence that the Jewish religion says to bury close to where the death occurred.

He also said he wanted 3 friends to attend. David & I each made our list of the people we thought he may want. We picked the same 3 people, the 3 Goddesses who supported us during the birth: Lorri our friend & doula, Evelyn our acupuncturist and Michelle our Midwife. Truman said "yes."

I love that we honored our son and did exactly what he wanted. May we continue to listen to our children and hear their truth.

The ceremony was beautiful, perfect and sacred. We each read a blessing, the poem that David wrote and covered him with rose petals. We tucked him away in a recyclable box, placed him in to the earth to return to where he came from.
Please join us in saying these prayers or any of your own.

A Prayer By Vienna Cobb Anderson

O God of love, Source of life, hear our prayers for Jodi. Her baby died before it ever came to birth. The blessing of your love was torn from her body, leaving her empty and devastated. Comfort her now in her sorrow. Restore her hope for a child to come. Give her courage and new delight in the days ahead. In good time, grant her a new life that her soul may rejoice and her body give birth; In Your name we pray.

Amen.


The Same Prayer for David

O God of love, Source of life, hear our prayers for David. His baby died before it ever came to birth. The blessing of your love was torn from His body, leaving Him empty and devastated. Comfort Him now in him sorrow. Restore Him hope for a child to come. Give Him courage and new delight in the days ahead. In good time, grant Him a new life that His soul may rejoice and His body give birth; In Your name we pray.

Amen.


A Prayer for the Families in Mourning

Bless those who mourn, eternal God, with the comfort of your love that they may face each new day with hope and the certainty that nothing can destroy the good that has been given. May their memories become joyful, their days enriched with friendship, and their lives encircled by your Love. Amen.


Love Is Stronger Than Death, By Mary Hollingsworth

Love is stronger than death. So we must be content to know that Love is not affected by death-- it doesn't end, it doesn't diminish, it doesn't change. Instead, Love is immortalized and eternalized through death. And the possibility of that Love ever being damaged or broken is eliminated forever. We put our trust in Love.


A Prayer for Burial

O God, whose mercies cannot be numbered: Accept our prayers on behalf of thy servant Truman, and grant him an entrance into the land of light and joy, in the fellowship of thy saints, who liveth with thee now and for ever. Amen.


Blessing After a Miscarriage

For those who trust in God, in the pain and sorrow there is consolation, in the face of despair there is hope, in the midst of death there is life. ...as we mourn the death of our child we place ourselves in the hands of God and ask for strength, for healing and for Love.


Prayer of Gratitude for God's Gifts

For this new morning and its light, For rest and shelter of the night, For health and food, for love and friends, For every gift His goodness sends We thank you, gracious God. Amen.


TRUMAN

You did what was best for You, your Daddy & Mommy,
You did so by leaving your Mommy's tummy.
We are certain You had a good reason,
Perhaps You will come back to stay in a different season.
Until then, our hearts will remain open for You
And Your name for now we'll change back to Tru.

Should You choose to return as a She,
You shall go by the name of Truly.
If You are to be a boy to us again,
Then back You will have the name, Truman.

We love You so much and can hardly wait,
For You to return and thus a family create.
May Peace be with You each and every day,
For Your Spirit, Your Soul we promise to pray.
Come back to Us when You’re good and ready,
Wait for You We will: Your Mommy and Daddy.
Love, Us

It has been less than a week since I birthed our 18 week old fetus and I feel the healing process is happening. Physically I am cramping less, so my uterus must be returning back to its original place. I am still bleeding, that too seems to be lighter.

Because I am human, I continue to ask questions of what I did wrong. I realize that is a conversation for the ego. I did nothing wrong. I ate healthy, I exercised, practiced yoga, meditated, prayed and sent love and light to the baby daily. So why did he leave us? Was there a health issue? Was it his karma to come for just a short time?

I believe that I am emotionally healing because we have received SO much love & support from family, friends and our community - we feel so blessed. Some are even impressed by our willingness to share our experience. David received this email from his coach that I love so much...

Dr. David: I once had a friend whose very first expression, when we shared our news that we were pregnant with him, was “Oh, you shouldn’t tell anyone until the first trimester is over in case something happens.” His intent was innocent, perhaps, but fear-based…as if it was a horror/burden to have to tell everyone that knows you are pregnant that you miscarried if, in fact, you did. I was somewhat upset or disappointed that he was not immediately happy for us but instead reacted with fear/suffocation. I told him that if something should happen to the baby we will get more love and support from those we’ve told than anyone who chooses to walk that road in fear/silence….

We have been blessed, indeed!! Thank you so much for your love & support!

It truly is amazing how quickly life changes. Just when I was feeling euphoric, thrilled & glowing from 2nd tri-mester pregnancy...cramps came on. Being a newbie with pregnancy, I had no clue they were contractions, I thought they were my uterus growing, normal & natural. I called Michelle, our midwife to report the cramping and little bit of spotting I was having. "No worries, no sex, drink lots, and stay in touch" she responded.

3 days later the cramps continued with more intensity. David & I went to Michelles office for an exam and to listen for a heart beat. Turned out my uterus was not growing at all and there was no heart beat either. I went to an OB for an ultrasound to confirm, and despite being 18 weeks pregnant, our lil babes was measuring at 14 weeks, with no heartbeat.

My life changed. I went from being full of baby thoughts, dreams and talks, to no longer having one...

The Dr. gave me the choice of either laboring & delivering on my own at home, naturally, or meeting the him at the hospital where I would be given an internal pill to bring on contractions and delivery. Well I was already feeling contractions (cramps!) and they were pretty strong and frequent...I opted for our original intention: a natural home-birth.

It was perfect...in early labor, David & I ate a yummy home-made lunch, made by my dear friend Lorri. She wound up staying on for the birth and acted as my doula, even though she had retired from this position years ago. Bless you Lorri!

The 3 of us then laid in bed, Lorri massaging my back, David guiding my breath, I moaned through contractions. By the time they were 3 minutes apart and 1 minute in length, Michelle arrived.

I soaked in the bath and the contractions lessened. Knowing the baby was not alive, I wanted it out fast, so I got back in bed for stronger and more contractions.

Evelyn who I have been seeing for acupuncture came over to put some needles in. David turned on some music and within 3 minutes of the needles being in me, and just 3 hours of labor, I pushed and out came our pre-mature baby: 4:32pm at home, naturally, just like we wanted.

But no placenta...I had more work to do. The contractions had lessened, my cervix was closing and I was losing lots of blood. I went in to shock and fainted for a short time. I recovered with oxygen, coconut water, maple syrup, rescue remedy and lots of love.

Michelle later administered Pitocin to bring on more contractions to birth the placenta. No go.
At 7:30pm we knew the smart thing was to call for an ambulance and head to the ER. We called the Dr. I saw earlier in the day and thankfully he met us there. He attempted to get it out with tools, but it required surgery. Just 10 minutes worth, I went under general anesthesia, and by 11pm, David & I were home with our lil babes (preserving in the fridge.)